Orange County Sheriff's Office

An education is a wonderful thing to have, but social media is probably not the best place to find one. That said, you can learn a lot if you know where to look. I enjoy listening to author and motivational speaker Ryan Leak, because he regularly delivers nuggets of wisdom. I recently watched one of his videos in which he spoke about “parakaleo.” Now that I know this concept, I see it in action everywhere.

Parakaleo comes from the Greek words para, meaning “alongside,” and kaleo, which means “to call.” Simply put, parakaleo is the practice of coming alongside of someone and encouraging them forward. With such a mindset, a person does not let others shrink back; rather, he or she supports them as they move forward in a positive direction.

Dean Smith, the legendary, late UNC basketball coach, intuitively understood parakaleo.  He taught his players that after scoring, they should point to the player who passed them the ball, publicly sharing the credit for the basket by acknowledging the assist.

I saw my friend Bob Epting the other day, and he looked a little down. I was on my way to an appointment, and I didn’t have much time, but I stopped and asked him if he was okay. He said he just finished a slightly stressful, time-sensitive task and that he was otherwise fine. I told him how much he matters to me and reminded him to take care of himself. We had a nice exchange, and as we were talking, a young man walked up and asked for help with a dead car battery. I started to arrange for a deputy to bring him a jump box, but Bob interrupted and said, “You go on, Charles. I know you are headed somewhere. I’ve got this.” I spent a few minutes giving encouragement and care to Bob, and before we even parted company, he was paying it forward by investing helpful energy into someone else. Parakaleo in action is contagious, much like laughter and enthusiasm.

With the right mindset, anyone can pull alongside someone and push them forward. Sadly, the reverse is also true. Remember the old saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me”? I think we all know words can indeed hurt, and I believe destructive criticism is the opposite of parakaleo. I once attended an event to which I wore my favorite sport coat, a handsome tie, my favorite boots, and a nice pair of crisp blue pants. My wife picked out my jacket, and I love it. As soon as we arrived at the event, three or four people came up to me and complimented my beautiful coat before one person walked by and criticized my wardrobe choices. That one dig really stung, hitting me with more power than the multiple compliments, not because I am thin-skinned, but because of something scientists call negativity bias. With survival as the goal, evolution wired our brains to pay more attention to threats than to compliments, which is why the way we talk to people matters. We have the power to balance the scales by making sure people hear kindness more often than criticism.

I recently gave the keynote at WHCL’s Hometown Hero luncheon during which the station celebrated those honored throughout the year in a popular weekly promotion. Almost no one in that room thought they did anything heroic – most of them said, “I was just doing my job.” However, we are a community full of people who notice the good deeds of others, pull alongside them, and push them forward by nominating them for public recognition because we know that what they do matters.

Elite paracletes know that support can also be a passive practice. In other words, serving others doesn’t have to be hard or make you break into a sweat! Sometimes just listening to someone who seems down, harried, or frustrated is all it takes to allow them to move forward again. Put away your phone, make eye contact, avoid interrupting, and give the gift of your undivided attention. Usually, people don’t need us to offer solutions for their problems. They just need our support as they work through them.

Every Tuesday morning, as we conclude staff meeting, I say, “Go forth and do good things.” Maybe I’ll start saying, “Go forth, do good things, and encourage someone to move forward with you.”